The Friendly owl says...CAW...CAW CAW

Just when I started celebrating Kobe blowing that game winning shot, Tom Green/Big Bird comes out of no where and bails him out. Cue the ESPN analysts saying how unselfish Kobe is for allowing Pau to tip in his shot after he choked.

What were they thinking...

At one point or another, I think every one of us has taken a moment to wonder what certain athletes or celebrities were thinking when they engaged in some pretty ridiculous behavior… Thankfully the rich and famous give us plenty of fodder to make this a weekly column… Here is the first installment.

What was Tiger Woods thinking when he drove his Escalade into a tree in November of 2009
A. It’s not my fault I’ve always had trouble keeping my drives straight
B. If the PGA only knew how many F-bombs I just dropped, I'd be paying fines well into my 60s
C. Smashed up caddy, 50,000 dollars, Lost sponsorships, 20 million dollars, Divorce settlement, over 200 millions dollars, cheating on a Swedish model… priceless

What was Chris Brown thinking when he decided to beat-up Rhianna after seeing a text message on her phone?
A. Can you hear me now?
B. Look what I can do with my feet
C. Disturbia!!!

What was Kiefer Sutherland thinking when he was pulled over for his second DUI in as many years?
A. I'm federal agent Jack Bauer, and his is the longest day of my life
B. I have killed two people since midnight, I haven't slept in over 24 hours. So maybe... maybe you should be a little more afraid of me than you are right now
C. Officer, this guy is not waiting around for me... so you better shoot me or help me but decide now!

What was OJ Simpson thinking when he walked into a Vegas hotel room with a loaded gun to get back some memorabilia?
A. No way you can squeeze the juice
B. I have always wanted to lead a high speed chase down Las Vegas Boulevard
C. Where are those small black gloves that Johnny always told me to wear when I’m going to do something illegal?

What was the Malawian judge thinking when she rejected Madonna’s request to adopt another child?
A. If I approve this, Angelina is going to be in here in two months, and I just can’t deal with more Jolie-Pitt baby photos
B. Somehow Skeletor does not seem like an ideal role model for this child
C. Don’t cry for me Malawi

Got thoughts on what a celeb was thinking during some wild behavior? Let SJ know.

Running is a punishment not a sport

Over the last few years, I have constantly found myself in arguments about whether certain activities are sports. Usually this happens when I find myself talking to a swimmer or a runner. I hate to say it, but 95% of these so called "athletes" are unbearable. In order to exact some measure of revenge for having to be exposed to them, I like to let them know that their precious running and swimming, are not real sports. In fact, the only reason that most people end up as a runner or a swimmer or a crew star is that they weren't talented enough to make it in a real sport. Anyway, to support my assertion and alleviate any confusion, I have come up with 3 simple rules to define what is a sport and what is simply an activity that can be pursued competitively. Without further ado:

Rule #1: Sport must require athletic ability not just hand eye coordination
For me to consider something a sport, it must involve at least one of the following components of athleticism: speed, strength, agility, jumping ability, stamina, or a combination of these abilities. If performance is not contingent on some element of athletic ability then we might as well start referring to checkers players as sportsman. We don’t consider checkers a sport, so tell me why Nascar, darts, or billiards are any more deserving?
(Sorry: nascar, darts, billiards, curling, ping-pong, bobsledding, video gaming) (Just made the cut: baseball, golf)

Rule #2: Sport must have an objective scoring system
Although the Olympics may disagree with me, any competition with a subjective scoring system is not a sport. When you start letting judges determine the winner, you have a contest not a sport. This is why basketball is considered a sport, and the Slam Dunk Competition is considered a contest.
(Sorry, Figure skating, snowboarding, ski jumping, cheerleading boxing)
(Just made the cut: wrestling)

Rule #3: You must be able to affect or influence your opponents performance
This is probably the most controversial rule, but if you can’t influence your opponents performance you are engaging in a competition, not a sport. Running is a part of a lot of sports, but it is not a sport in itself. Just like in a chugging contest, you are competing against the clock and can’t do anything to impact how fast your opponent finishes. Defense is a key component of sports and without this you are simply engaging in a competition.
(Sorry: Track and field, swimming, crew, weight lifting)
(Just made the cut: Golf (only skins or match play version)

With these simple rules, the following would be classified as sports:
­ Basketball
­ Baseball
­ Football
­ Soccer
­ Hockey
­ Tennis
­ Wrestling
­ Rugby
­ Volleyball
­ Lacrosse
­ Handball
­ Squash
­ Racquetball
­ Real World/Road Rules The gauntlet

While the following miss the cut classifying as contests or competitions:
­ Boxing ( in current form)
­ Running / track and field
­ Swimming
­ Figure skating
­ Crew
­ Golf
­ Darts
­ NASCAR
­ Bowling
­ Skiing / snowboarding
­ Cheerleading
­ Bobsled / luge
­ Curling
­ Ping pong
­ Video games
­ Weight lifting

Bathroom Saga: Part 4

I just had a bathroom dilemma that could've put Harry Dunn into a panic. I'm usually pretty meticulous in the lav but I wasn't ready to play today. I'd probably attribute this to a long lay-off. I'm not busy at work right now so I can pretty much come and go as I please. This means that my time wasting technique of several bathroom trips a day isn't necessary. So I'm out of practice and my head was spinning a bit; when I got in for my 10 o'clock leak. Everything was moving fast and I foolishly opted for the eratic urinal. You know the type: loose flush handle, running water, evidence of a recent overflow on the floor. I ignored the signs though. When I flushed the thing I was hit with a squirt of water right in the pant leg. Every guy has probably left the bathroom with a little water on his pants from a shake gone wrong or water on the sink counter or whatever, but this was a peeing-your-pants is cool type of problem. I mean I am wearing khakis so its pretty hard to miss. And of course, no one was there to see it. If someone was, I could've joked around with them about what happened, essentially letting everyone else know that I did not actually piss my pants. I guess it wasn't my lucky day. My only option was to wait it out. So I spent about an hour sitting in a bathroom stall wiping my pants with paper towels. I did the best I could but the remnants of a piss stain was still visible when I decided I had to make a move to my cube. So now I have a choice. The secretary outside the bathroom is already a lost cause. I can't worry about what she thinkgs because she probably has already identified me as the longest shitter in office history. You can't win 'em all I guess. But I knew if I could pretend I was in a meeting or something I might be able to fool the people around my cube. Or I could go downstairs and come back up with an iced coffee or something. It was a pretty tough choice but I went with the iced coffee strategy. I can't tell if people noticed that it took me an hour and 15 minutes to get the coffee or that I apparently peed myself while doing so but so far no one has said anything. Anyone else had this happen to them?

Grandmother Dating her Grandson

YAHOO – ‘I’m in love with my grandson and we’re having a baby’ When 72-year-old Pearl met her grandson, little did she realise she’d soon be ‘pregnant’ with his child Pearl Carter is positively glowing with joy. She has a handsome new boyfriend, is enjoying an active sex life after many years of celibacy and, amazingly, is preparing to become a mother again. But the retired grandmother isn’t carrying the baby herself. She and her young lover have spent a staggering $54,000 hiring a surrogate to help them with their dreams of having a child. What makes Pearl’s decision to become a mum again even more shocking is that her new boyfriend is her biological grandson, 26-year-old Phil Bailey. ‘I’m not interested in anyone else’s opinion,’ Pearl says. ‘I am in love with Phil and he’s in love with me. Soon I’ll be holding my son or daughter in my arms and Phil will be the proud dad’….

-Article borrowed from Barstool Sports

There is no better relative then a cool grandma. Those of you that have one or have seen Grandma's Boy know what I'm talking about. They're women from a different era and they spoil the crap out of you. Polish off a beer? There is another one in your hand. Hungry? Candy bowls all over the place. Combine that with their affinity for gambling (can't even count how many nickels I've lost to my grandmother in cribbage) and they are pretty much the total package relative-wise. But 20 year olds generally aren't attracted to women over 50. I know cougars are all the rage right now, but I think its safe to say 70 year olds fall out of that demographic. So my gut is telling me good 'ol Pearl is getting taken advantage of here. Remember in Tommy Boy when that smokeshow marries Tommy's dad, but she is really sleeping with her "son" and extorting him for his money? Well I think Phil Bailey is employing the same strategy here. I didn't post the rest of the article because it would've made you throw up, but apparently Phil Bailey sent his "grandma" a picture out of the blue. And when she took a look at Philly Boy, she couldn't resist the bait. Next thing Pearl knows Phil is using her social securitiy checks to pay $54,000 to a surrogate mother? Who wants to bet that the surrogate is Phil's girlfriend? Pearl definitely smelled a rat though because she called up Yahoo and broadcasted the incestual relationship all over the national news. In doing so, she not only branded Phil Bailey with a scarlet letter, but also put herself on the radar of a lot of the guys at bingo. Genius...Is Parvati's last name Bailey?

Poll: A third say pets listen better than husbands

A third of pet-owning married women said their pets are better listeners than their husbands, according to an Associated Press-Petside.com poll released Wednesday. Eighteen percent of pet-owning married men said their pets are better listeners than their wives. Christina Holmdahl, 40, talks all the time to her cat, two dogs or three horses -- about her husband, naturally. "Whoever happens to be with me when I'm rambling," said Holmdahl, who's stationed with her husband at Fort Stewart in Georgia. "A lot of times, I'm just venting about work or complaining about the husband."

It would be a toss-up whether Bill Rothschild would take a problem to his wife of 19 years or the animal he considers a pet -- a palm-sized crayfish named Cray Aiken. His daughter brought it home four years ago at the end of a second grade science project. Rothschild, 44, of Granite Springs, N.Y., considers Cray a better listener than his wife, "absolutely. She doesn't listen worth anything." He doesn't get much feedback from the crustacean, but he insists its better than the alternative.

It's not every day men score a win in the Lifestyle section of Boston.com. I usually avoid that section of the site altogether because it is basically a propaganda machine established to discredit men. I basically wasn't working today though so I decided to dabble. When I saw the title of this article I was sure it was going to be more of the same. Men suck…Women have it so bad…blah blah blah. But they polled the wrong guy. Now I'm sitting here drafting a letter to the Celtics to elect Bill Rothschild as a hero among us. I mean most men who were asked if they're pet or wife was a better listener would probably dip and dodge the question like a haymaker from Iron Mike. I'm sure some might admit they preferred the pet but they'd at least hide behind the mask of anonymity. But not Bill Rothschild. He was playing to win. Oh, women would rather talk to dogs? Well I bring my problems to Cray Aiken the family crayfish. Game. Set. Match. Bill will never pay for a drink at the pub again. And my guess is he'll be there a lot to avoid the wrath of his wife once she gets a hold of this article. Regardless, I'm giving the man a slow clap from my cube right now.

Oh...almost forgot

Lebron Already Making Excuses; This Guy and the Celts Eat those for Breakfast

ESPN.com - Lebron James revealed after the game that he underwent an MRI and X-rays on Monday. Results came back clean, according to the Cavaliers. James will have follow-up evaluation by team doctors and will undergo treatment beginning Wednesday. No tests are scheduled, but the evaluation could involve further testing.

The Cavaliers are not practicing on Wednesday. Their Eastern Conference semifinal series with the Boston Celtics won't begin until Saturday, so James will have several days to rest the elbow. "It bothers me because I don't know what it is," James said. "Hopefully it doesn't continue to bother me. But I'm not concerned. Cleveland fans have nothing to worry about. They have no reason to panic. I don't think it's that serious."

I know a lot of you were too engrossed in The Hills season premier last night to catch the end of the Cleveland game so you probably don't know what this Lebron fake elbow injury business is all about. Let me give you a quick run down of what went down. The Bulls were down three in the waining seconds when D. Rose inexplicably forced a lefty leaner in the lane (maybe he was scared to be a hero and have to suffer through a Shelley Smith interview? See pic above and you'll understand this reasoning). Lebron gathered the Rose miss and was immediately fouled with seven seconds to go in the game. He drilled the first free throw to put his team up by four. But then as he backed up from the free throw line he must have suffered a freak injury to his elbow because he lined up for his second free throw and shot the thing lefty...huge brick. (Aside: Reggie Miller didn't skip a beat when Le-bitch did this observing, "Guys usually don't shoot free throws lefty in the playoffs unless they have an injury." Do guys shoot free throws lefty in the regular season for fun or something, Reg?) This was one of the most selfish plays I've ever seen someone make. This is coming from someone who sat through seven seasons of the Antoine Walker show and a whole season of the Rasheed debacle. Granted, the Cavs probably weren't going to lose the game up by 4 with seven seconds left. But it still seemed like Lebron went out of his way to let everyone know he was playing hurt. What pissed me off was that he was pulling a Kobe. This move is right out of the most self-centered player in the NBA's playbook. Everyone knows the routine by now but here's the formula developed by Kobe and executed by Lebron:

Step 1: Make sure reporters ask you about your injury after the game by grimacing throughout the game, putting on a sleeve that serves no purpose except to draw attention, or (like we've seen Kobe do in the past) shoot your free throws lefty.

Step 2: Seek praise for heroic effort despite a "devastating" injury that mysteriously was not revealed in an MRI.

Step 3: Create a potential excuse in case you don't deliver in the clutch.

Bingo-bango.

The Pick: Celts in 7

Master of Disguise

APRIL 27--A man who wrapped his head in toilet paper was caught on surveillance video as he calmly pulled off the knifepoint robbery of a Nebraska convenience store Saturday night. The video shows the unknown robber walking up to Kabredlo's, a Lincoln store, as a clerk was smoking outside. After accompanying the employee back inside, the suspect flashed a knife "and demanded money from the safe," according to investigators. The clerk complied, emptying the safe and a cash register into a bag held by the robber, who police described as a white male, 25 to 33 years old, with "blue eyes and a skinny face." At one point, when a woman approached the store, the concealed robber locked the front door and "shook his head no," cops reported. The woman left and called 911. After officers responded to the scene, a police dog followed the suspect's scent for a couple of block--locating "some toilet paper on the ground" along the way--before the track went cold. The suspect's toilet paper coverup has, so far, served its purpose. "With that disguise, there isn't much to go on," a Lincoln Police Department spokesperson told TSG

I know it's a recession, but this has to be the cheapest thief we have ever run into. This guy would make Larry David proud. Not only did he skimp on the weapon when he traded down from the glock to a pocket knife, but even worse he decided that panty hose over the face was just too much of a luxury. I'm no master of disguise, but toilet paper just doesn't seem like it would be ideal for the job. Even Harry and Marv wouldn't be caught dead being labeled as the toilet paper bandits.

What is a little disheartening is that the cops are treating this guy like he was Kaiser goddamn Soze. I mean if you can't catch a guy who put this little effort into a robbery, there is not a whole lot of hope that you are going to stop any real criminals. I'd bet 100 dollars this guy didn't even opt for the Quilted Northern. He probably stole some single ply from a local gas station bathroom, yet even with the help of the dogs, the Lincoln PD was unable to track this 'mastermind' down. On a scale of 1 to Nicole Ritchie (read: completely useless) what would you rate the Lincoln Police Department? I'm going with a solid 7. Come on, at least they found the bastard's ingenious disguise.

The Perfect Crime... Almost

APRIL 22--Meet Philip Conran. In a bid to torment a female neighbor with whom he was fighting, the Connecticut man allegedly placed a phony Craigslist ad directing men seeking "group sex" to the woman's home, police charge. Conran, a 42-year-old chef, today made his initial court appearance in connection with reckless endangerment and harassment counts filed as a result of the fake April 5 online classified. Investigators tied Conran to the Craigslist "casual encounters" posting--which was purportedly placed by a "West Hartford soccer mom" and headlined "looking for lust"--through an analysis of records obtained from Craigslist and AT&T Internet Services, according to an arrest affidavit. When cops tracked an IP address to Conran's home, he confessed to posting the "party sex" ad directing men to next-door neighbor Terry Sharp's Dartmouth Avenue home

If you ask me this is a pretty ingenious plan... what better way to get back at an annoying neighbor than by getting every creep in the area to knock on her door expecting group sex. I'm half surprised they didn't nab half the local priest population in this sting.

Also, to give credit where credit is due, the soccer mom angle was borderline brilliant as it really drew in the unsuspecting sickos by playing on a common stereotype of the over-sexed housewife looking for love in all the wrong places. I can just picture these guys driving over to Terry Sharp's house in their 1970s astrovan blasting Stacy's Mom on their radio.

Where Phil "The Thrill" Conran blew it was using his own computer. It's like committing a crime 101 that whenever you are going to set something up or break the law, you never use your own phone or computer. I mean the guys down in the Connecticut State Penn must be laughing their asses off. Everyone from Tony Soprano to the Colombian drug lords knows to use a pay phone or a library computer... I guess Phil's excitement just got the better of him.

Cock"less"pit

FAA Calls for Crackdown on Cockpit Distractions
Washington (CNN) -- Airlines should create and enforce policies to ensure that pilots focus on flying their planes safely instead of being distracted by laptop computers and other devices, the Department of Transportation's Federal Aviation Administration said Monday.

First bag fees and now this, what is the world coming to. Without laptops in the cockpit how are pilots going to pass the time? Instead of blogging and watching porn, the FAA now wants pilots to actually concentrate on flying the plane... Who does the FAA think they are?

If I was a pilot, I would be pissier than a vegan at a pig roast. It's like they are trying to suck the fun out of flying. What's next, stiff fines for joining the mile high club? It's bad enough that flight attendants average about 65 years old, but now pilots can't even watch re-runs of the office while they speed down the runway, its almost barbaric... BAR... BAR... IC

Police barred from penis enlargement

(Reuters) - Forget about getting a job as a police officer in Indonesia's Papua if you have had your penis enlarged. You won't get it, according to local media reports citing the Papua police chief. An applicant "will be asked whether or not his vital organ has been enlarged," said Papua police chief Bekto Suprapto, quoted on local website Kompas.com. "If he has, he will be considered unfit to join the police or the military." The ban was applied since the unnatural size causes "hindrance during training," said police spokesman Zainuri Lubis in Jakarta, quoted by news portal Detik.com. Indonesia's remote easternmost province is home to Papuan tribes, many of whom are known for wearing penis gourds. A low-level separatist insurgency has waged in the resources-rich part of Indonesia for decades and there is a heavy police and military presence there. Papuans use a local technique to achieve the enlargement, according to a sexologist quoted by local newspaper Jakarta Globe, wrapping the penis with leaves from the "gatal-gatal" (itchy) tree so that it swells up "like it has been stung by a bee," the expert said.




I'm calling Papua police chief Bekto Suprato's bluff on this one. This guy is clearly bitter over something and I'd bet my life that its because he isn't allergic to "gatal-gatal." Doesn't this discrimination against the well-endowed have small man syndrome written all over it? I mean look at his reason for deeming these officers unfit...an enhanced unit hinders your ability to train? Am I reading that right? Last time I checked the best athletes in the world are football and basketball players. You watch any of the NFL combine, Betko? Those giants are fast as hell and the laws of proportion tell us that they don't need any "gatal-gatal." You don't need Mel Kiper and Todd McShay to spell that one out for you. So you can go sell your 'three-legged horse can't run a race theory' to someone else because I ain't buying it.

Why America dominates

The Daily Telegraph reports that officials at Bury Youth Services in Greater Manchester recognise not only how youngsters find their way to a local bus stop, but also how they sit on a seat during their journey. Their certificates, issued to 11 to 15-year-olds taking a course called “Using Public Transport (Unit 1)”, recognise the ability to:
* Walk to the local bus stop.
* Stand or sit at the bus stop and wait for the arrival of a public bus.
* Enter the bus in a calm and safe manner.
* Be directed to a downstairs seat by a member of staff
* Sit on the bus and observe through the windows.
* Wait until the bus has stopped, stand on request and exit the bus.

America takes a lot of crap for how uninformed we are and how much better we think we are than other countries, but all I have to say is.... doesn't it seem justified? Despite our relatively young age, we were able to fend of the biggest superpower of the times when we won our independence back at the tail end of the 1700s. This was basically the equivalent of a 12 year-old beating up his dad... never happens unless the dad is pretty weak and the 12 year old is a stud. Well America was basically the LeBron of 12-year olds back then.

Flash forward 200 years and we were again matched up against a huge "so-called" superpower called the Soviet Union... after taking us on in a 20 year cold war, America was left to thrive while the Russians were relegated to an afterthought and forced to turn off movies like Rocky II before the Russian foil was inevitably defeated by Rocky or another American hero.

And now it seems we know why we have dominated the world for the last 200 odd years. While Americans are busy encouraging their kids to be powerful international moguls the rest of the world is trying to teach their kids how to ride a bus. Even Jessica Simpson has the innate knowledge required to get on a bus and sit in a seat... how is it that our ancestors are lacking in this department?

Why are these shoes "in"?

First let me just say I don't care about the Red Sox/Yankees thing anymore, the Knicks are an afterthought until they land HGH Lebron, and I'm not really worried about the Jets even though the Boston media has already anointed them the team to beat in the AFC East. So while I admit to having a bias against guys from New York, it really has nothing to do with the sports rivalry. The people there just rub me the wrong way. For a while the catalyst was their overuse of the exclamation point. This phenomenon probably deserves its own blog, so for now I'll just say that using an exclamation point is a flagrant man law violation. Using three of them after every sentence (like a lot of New Yorkers) makes you the social/intellectual equivalentof a third grade girl.

That isn't what is irk-ing me today, though. My new issue is that New Yorkers determine the fashion trends in America and right now the are taking cues from Canada and Avril Levigne, of all places and people. I expect this kind of behaviour from the gals. They've traumatized us time and time again with dresses over jeans and crap like that so I guess wearing weird stuff is in their DNA.

But I hold guys to a higher standard in terms of what they wear. Before I launch into my disgust, I want to concede that I don't know my ass from my elbow when it comes to style. I've been sporting the same hedgehog haircut (grown out wiffle with excessive neck hair), green cargo shorts from Old Navy circa 2002, and whatever-t-shirt-is-in-my-drawer look for as long as I can remember. I usually wear a pair of sneakers or occasionally some thong sandals to finish off the outfit. Nothing fancy. Even if I don't know anything about style, though, I do know those converse shoes Avril brought back from the grave suck. And Avril sucks too for that matter. She isn't even that hot and "Complicated" is the only reason I still know her name. Yet somehow all my friends that live in-and-around New York have adopted her style in shoes. How is this possible? Remember guys, these are the shoes we all hated growing up. If your mom went for those ugly bastards instead of the Pumps or Jordan's then you were last pick at the playground. Guaranteed. So do me a favor and burn those things before they make their way to Boston and remember today its Avril...tomorrow it might be Elton.

Annoying Athletes

So a few weeks ago, Bills wrote a post about the most annoying athletes. While I don't contest that all of his selections are annoying, he had some very glaring omissions. I will grant him Tebow has made a strong charge to be included on the 1st Team All-League Annoying squad, but before we anoint him as the "Chosen One" of all things annoying, lets go over some of the criteria we need to consider when we choose this team.

Criteria for All-League Annoying

1. Athlete is currently relevant in their sport
Apologies to Sasha Vujacic and Adam Morrison, but no matter how much porn star facial hair you grow or how many awkward chest bumps you give out, guys who sit on the end of the bench are not making the all-league team regardless of how annoying they are. Curt Schilling also gets cut here since he is more washed up than Tiffany Amber Thiessen

2. Athlete competes in a sport that is relevant in today's society
Sorry Michael Phelps but as geeky as your smile and "Mr. Gilmore, I'm your caddy" haircut is, swimming is not and will never be a relevant sport. When your sport is an afterthought only once every 4 years, you do not qualify. Unfortunately this rules out Coach from Survivor (I consider this more of a sport than swimming and track, and just behind lacrosse) and every male figure skater.

3. Athlete gets fawned over by the media more than Suri Cruise
Sorry Kevin Youkilis, Jonathan Papelbon, and every hockey player not named Crosby or Ovechkin, but no media personalities outside your home city even know who you are. So despite Youk's extreme sweating problem and gross stance, and most hockey player's annoying (read: awesome for them) ability to pull chicks that are way out of their league, neither are going to make the squad.

4. Athlete has at least one signature annoying moment that makes you want to throw up in your mouth
So long Manu Ginobli, and Landon Donovan. Despite the soccer style flops that both have made famous and the serious male pattern baldness that both like to sport, I can't remember a press conference or commercial or even a soundbite from either of these two. It's almost a tribute to them both that they have annoyed me without me remembering them ever saying a single word, but unfortunately that doesn't get you to the top.

So without further ado, here is you starting five....
1. Brett Favre
Tons of INTs, the prolonged retire / comeback saga, terrible Wrangler jeans commercials, and a disregard for the Green Bay faithful that adored him for years is pretty solid case for Favre. Throw on top of it that ESPN's Chris Berman gets more flushed than a fifth grader who just let a fart slip in class every time Favre's name is brought upand Brett is a first ballot all-annoying hall of famer

2. Alex Rodriguez
Choking under pressure, purple lips, Centaur portraits, bicep kissing, dating a 50-year old Skeletor look-alike (AKA Madonna). And to top it all off, a contrived, "apology" for cheating that was less believable than OJ's murder defense. Need I say more?

3. Duke Basketball
Greg Paulus, Josh McRoberts, Cameron Crazies, floor slapping, Thomas Hill Crying, Chistian Laetner stomping on people, emotional player-coach hugs. This team makes me physically sick. Throw on top of it the way that Dickie V acts like a 12-year old twilight fan that just met Taylor Lautner whenever he talks about the Blue Devils and there is no arguing Duke belongs among the all-time greats of annoying behavior.

4. Kobe Bryant
Rape in Colorado, yelling at teammates, countless condescending press conferences, the "try to look intense" underbite, the Jordan copycat fist pump. Like A-Rod, nothing about Kobe seems real. The real annoying moment came when Spike Lee made his TV show following Kobe around and Kobe tried to pretend he got along with his teammates. However, they seemed so surprised when Kobe acted friendly toward them, that you would have thought they were Bruce Willis starting to figure things out in the 6th Sense.

5. Tim Tebow
Tebow just cracks the starting 5. Relevant sport: football, check. Athlete is relevant: Heisman winner, check. Media Fawning: Let's see I have seen more of Tim Tebow than I have of the 20 odd picks in front of him combined, so yeah check. One Shining Moment: Tebow's "immortalized" speech guaranteeing a championship, his interview with Jon Gruden, his interviews about his work in the Philippines, take your pick.. the guy has got thousands, check please! Throw in the virginity, and his I'm a better christian than you attitude, and yeah I think Tebow makes the list in his rookie season.

Honorable Mention:
- The Manning brothers
- Rafael Nadal
- David Beckham
- Lebron James
- Sergio Garcia
-

Thoughts on athletes I left out or other criteria we should add?

Predicting the Unpredictable

If the NFL Draft were Lost, Bill Belichick would be Jacob. He's mysterious. He's persuasive. And no one ever knows whether his draft strategy (the parallel would be Jacob's plan for the candidates) is good or bad. But it is fun to watch and see how Belichick manipulates the draft board. Clearly, his strategy this year hinged on Jermaine Gresham, the franchise tight end out of Oklahoma. Once he went off the board, the Pats immediately shopped their 22nd pick to Denver in return for their 24th pick and a 4th rounder. Then Belichick saw Dez Bryant was still on the board at 24. Just like Hurley can't resist a bucket of chicken or lassie from the insane asylum, Jerry Jones can't resist a thugged out, drama queen wide receiver. Belichick knew this so he traded the Cowboys the pick for their 27th and a third rounder. So on a night that most teams made their selections and went to bed, Belichick moved down just 5 spots in the first round and was able to cajole Denver and Dallas into handing him two middle round picks in a deep draft. All while still getting his guy McCourty at #27. Only time will tell whether these moves were good or bad, but watching Belichick move the chess pieces around is pretty fascinating regardless....

....and I think Jacob's intentions are good if that counts for anything.

Double "Mint" Standard

Everyone talks about the sexual double standard that men and women are held to, and I won't disagree that it clearly exists. We pat guys like Tom Brady on the back for their sexual exploits, while we decry the sexually enlightened behavior of the Lindsay Lohans of the world.

However, you rarely hear about a potentially bigger double-standard. The double standard that BO and bad breath are held to. Now I don't think we need to debate that both bad breath and BO are more offensive than a drunk Bruins fan. But for some reason BO has a stigma around it that bad breath has somehow avoided.

Now I'm not trying to argue that BO should not be dealt with harshly, my qualm is that bad breath is tolerated like it was a Catholic sex abuse scandal. Going all the way back to grade school, teachers pull aside the smelly kid (every class has at least one) or his parents to let them know that Johhny may need to start rolling on a little old spice in the mornings. It's the same when you get into the working world. No one is going to give you a job if you come into the interview smelling like a 3-day old steak and cheese.

Why however do people get away with bad breath? Now I'm not talking about the occasional, I just ate a few loaves of garlic bread or a bag of Funyuns. That my friend is like catching someone after a workout, yeah they might smell a little bit but they get a pass. I'm talking about consistent bad breath. The kind where you cringe when the person comes over to talk to you at your desk because it smells like they brushed their teeth with dog shit.

We all know these people. We find them amongst our teachers, our coaches, our colleagues, and our friends. My question is why they are allowed to continue this assault on human decency. If a teacher stopped showering there would likely be some repercussions, if a friend smelled worse than a week-old dip cup, people would start to consider whether they really wanted to be seen with him. But people with dragon breath are allowed to haphazardly stink up whatever forum they are in with no repercussions. I've had it. Can we bad together to stop this injustice? What is the best way to politely tell someone to brush their freaking teeth or chew a stick of double mint? Come on, if Obama can take the White House, surely we can win back our right to live in a world free from bad breath. Am I crazy?

This is Your Brain on Drugs

APRIL 19--A California Highway Patrol office was briefly evacuated earlier this month when investigators became concerned that an arrestee might have been carrying a concealed explosive device. When officers collared Steven Ferrini on a drug charge, a search of the 60-year-old suspect turned up "a suspicious wire, with an on/off switch" in his pants pocket. "The wire was found to extend from the pant pocket to the subject's anus," according to a CHP report, though Ferrini claimed that the wire was connected to an anal vibrator, officers became suspicious when he subsequently "began to explain his knowledge of explosives and bomb making." So they called in El Dorado County's explosive ordinance disposal team who rendered the device safe.

This might be a better anti-drug message than the old egg in a frying pan, this is your brain on drugs commercial. Why not update it for today's society with a commercial featuring a normal 60-year old dude playing some golf with the sub-text "This is your brain" and then flash to Steven Ferrini in his car hopped up on meth and furiously clicking the "on" button of the vibrator he had wedged in his cocoa factory with the sub-text "This is your brain on drugs. Any questions?" If mama had told me that smoking pot may lead to an obsession with self-inflicted butt play there is no way I would have ever touched those funny cigarettes. Instead I was left with the D.A.R.E. program - we all know how that one worked out.

Is it the weekend yet?

Walked by this stack of heaven right in front of Tia's on my way back from a 3 hour lunch. I estimate it's about 54 cases which is 1,080 beers (aluminum...woof). So Tia's will probably make $7,560 bucks (not including tip) on these things. I guess I picked the wrong business.

By the way, how trusting are the delivery people in Boston? I didn't see a man in sight when I was ogling these brews. If this was Baltimore Bubbs would be selling the crap out of these things for 15 cents on the dollar.

Chinese British Woman?

-Brietbart- A British woman has suddenly started speaking with a Chinese accent after suffering a severe migraine, she said in comments quoted by British media Tuesday. Sarah Colwill believes she has Foreign Accent Syndrome (FAS) which has caused her distinctive West Country drawl to be replaced with a Chinese twang, even though she has never even visited the country. The 35-year-old from Plymouth, southwest England, is now undergoing speech therapy following an acute form of migraine last month which reportedly left her with a form of brain damage. “I moved to Plymouth when I was 18 months old so I have always spoken like a local. But following one attack, an ambulance crew arrived and they said I definitely sounded Chinese,” she said. “I spoke to my stepdaughter on the phone from hospital and she didn’t recognise who I was. She said I sounded Chinese. Since then, I have had my friends hanging up on me because they think I’m a hoax caller.” Colwill added: “The first few weeks of the accent was quite funny but to think I am stuck with this Chinese accent is getting me down. My voice has started to annoy me now.

Smart money says Sarah Colwill was reciting lines from The Hangover at work..."Nooo...dat Doug"..."You can suck on these Chinese nuts"...ect ect. She was probably killing it. But then her boss walked up behind her and the boss is asian. No one warned her. She rattles off another one-liner and gets nothing but blank stares. When she slowly turns around she knows she is totally screwed. Now we've all been in Sarah Colwill's shoes before. We make a joke or comment about a person or group of people, we hear crickets, we realize we have somehow offended somebody, and then we make a futile attempt to excuse what we said. It's the worst feeling in the world and trying to explain yourself usually just prolongs the awkwardness. But Sarah is not your average Jane. She doesn't panic. She doesn't apologize. She just continues to talk Chinese like it's out of her control...and it works... and now she has a free pass to talk Chinese and basically do whatever she wants because a bunch of quacks have given her disease a name. And this is why movies are so unrealistic. In pretty much every Ben Stiller movie, they'll have you believe that the white lie is a recipe for future disaster. Not true.

I actually had my own Stiller-esque situation last week. This chick at work is brutal so I was telling some kid I work with how much she annoyed me ect. He let me go on a rant about her for a while then finally interrupted to tell me it was his girlfriend. Now if I was resourceful like Sarah Colwill I would've pretended to have some sort of disease that made me make fun of all the women at the office. But instead I reacted with red ears and I just slowly backed-out from the conversation (see Kool-Aid guy from family guy). Lesson learned.

Celtics win by 30 without KG; Sheed still a -12

Last night my buddy told me he liked the Celts at -1 over the Heat. He knew they would be paper thin at the forward spot without KG but figured they were home, would be amped up about Q's ridiculous comments, and thought maybe...just maybe...Rasheed might step it up and actually try. Well, the good news is that my buddy had his bet won by the end of the 2nd quarter. The bad news is that Sheed did everything he could to prevent that from happening. Think I'm exaggerating? Here is Sheed's +/- compared to the starters and other bench players playing over ten minutes:

Perk is a Beast +41
Paul Pierce +37
Glen Davis +24
Ray Allen +31
Rondo'd +29
Shelden Williams +4
Mike Finley +1
T.A. -2
Rasheed -12

Now I admit the +/- stat does not always tell the whole story but I think in this case it is pretty clear that we aren't imagining things....Rasheed hasn't turned it on in the playoffs. He is still giving a terrible effort. He is still pissing off the officials and getting unnecessary technicals. He is still spending entire possessions behind half court either complaining, faking injuries, or just being lazy (he did all these things last night....when the game was tied). And he still makes the Celts a worse offensive and defensive team whenever he steps on the floor. How much worse? ...well last night it was about 53 points or so...

On the bright side, Big Baby is back to being the Big Baby we saw check a fat white kid after draining that game winner in Orlando. I know he had a slow start to the season with the thumb injury and all, but Baby is a competitor and his defensive effort was contagious last night (that was the best defense I've seen the Celts play all season). So I'm praying Doc benches Rasheed and goes with Big Baby and the Big Ugly (Shelden) off the bench for the rest of the playoffs. The defense, toughness, and most of all effort those two guys will bring to the game dwarfs the contributions Rasheed (potentially) gives you on the offensive end.

The Silicons are at it again...

Fake doctors provided breast implantsMon Apr 19, 2010 6:54pm BST CARACAS (Reuters) - Venezuelan police have arrested a man and woman accused of impersonating plastic surgeons and providing women with silicone breast and buttock implants from an illegal clinic in an apartment. Cosmetic surgery, especially breast enlargement, is widespread in image-conscious Venezuela, which is known for beauty queens who have won many international pageant titles. Reinaldo Henriquez was charged with aggravated fraud while sidekick Hersi Rodriguez was accused of aiding and abetting him by recruiting clients and taking them to their surgery in the western city of Maracay, the Attorney General's office said. Henriquez, 26, and Rodriguez, 34, are beauticians who belonged to a gang called "The Silicons" and attracted customers with rock-bottom prices, local media reported. Police were tipped off by a former client and caught the suspects on April 12 in a raid of the apartment, which contained surgical equipment and a surgical table, authorities said. A deep recession has not diminished Venezuelans' appetite for cosmetic surgery, with many people taking out loans for operations to lift their spirits, doctors say.

Can't wait 'til the Silicons are featured on Gangland

Kumar goes to the White House

Harold and Kumar star Kal Penn, who under his real name Kalpen Modi works as an associate director in the White House's Office of Public Engagement, was reportedly robbed at gunpoint in Washington, D.C., at 1:30 a.m. Tuesday, according to the The Washington Post's Reliable Source column.

Yes, you read that right, Kumar is the associate director of the White House's Office of Public Engagement. I guess I shouldn't be that shocked. I mean we live in a country where a former professional wrestler and the Terminator have both run entire states. But Kumar in the White House, are we sure some Post writer didn't smoke a few funny cigarettes and decide that this would be a hilarious joke?

What's next, Stiffler running the CIA? That brings up an even better question, what would the most awkward celebrity postings be? Eliot Spitzer and Tiger Woods co-chairing the House Ethics Committee? CT and Brad from the real world running the running the investigation into Baseball's steroids problem? Kate Gosselin running the Senate Committee to prevent child exploitation?

Let me know if you have thoughts on the most awkward government postings.

Red Cross Dressing

Yorkshire Dales, UK: Two Red Cross workers in Yorkshire Dales, UK, told an injured and bleeding runner that they were not allowed to provide Band-Aids (plasters) and antiseptic because of the allergic reaction potential. Obviously better to risk infection.

"I couldn't believe it. I was bleeding quite heavily at the time," said Mr. Dickinson, the injured runner. "One of them said he could give me a plaster if he took his uniform off, but the other said he better not."

A refreshment stand employee tended to Mr. Dickinson's injuries instead.

This one smells a little fishy to me but I guess when a country is made up of people willing to live on an island that is cold and rainy 80% of the year you start to over-index a little in the weird and crazy department.

Let's start first with the "victim." my first question is how did Mr Dickinson (classic pedophile name by the way) sustain his injuries? He happens to be engaging in a non-contact activity (I refuse to recognize running as a sport, but that's a topic for another day) so I'm guessing his injuries were pretty minor. It's not like the guy was shot (unless he was running through Harlem with a clan hat on). My bet is he fell in which case I don't blame the red cross for denying this guy care. Tell him to suck it up and if he wants some sympathy he can either play a real sport or have his mommy kiss his boo boo all better.

Where it starts to get weird is when red cross worker number 2 indicates that he could give Dickinson a band aid, he would just need to take his red cross jumpsuit off first.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for doing things in the buff and realize that a number of things become more fun when you take your trousers off and let the sun shine south of the border. I'd be lying if i told you i hadn't cooked breakfast or done a little exercising while sporting an electric white backside that would make Casper jealous. Who hasn't? I mean people like Britney spears and Lindsey Lohan have made careers off of forgetting to put on underwear when they go out.

But bandaging someone up might be where I draw the line. Just doesn't sound like it would be pleasant for anyone. Nudity is OK in a lot of different scenarios, but dealing with a sweaty stranger, on uncomfortable pavement, where adhesives are involved does not seem to be one of them. Does anyone disagree? Is there a situation that would justify the pants off approach?

Why am I still at work at 5:39 on a Friday?

Sexy....kinda

Prime example of why Hair Club for Men makes the big bucks...turn a bald Chris Feo into Howie Mandel circa when Bobby's World was dominating the saturday morning cartoon scene.

Dental Dam - age

In keeping with the ranting theme, today I had to take a trip to the dentist. Now I'm one of those kids that everybody hates, never had even a hint of a cavity. What can I say good breeding. Similar to athletes like Jordan and LeBron, good teeth are born not made.

Now you think that someone with an impeccable smile and not a sniff of plaque would relish the opportunity to go to the dentist and have an expert tell them what a pleasure it is to work on such a fine specimen of a mouth. But oh, no. Not by a long shot.

Every time I got to the dentist, the hygienist treats my teeth like she is working on Austin Friggin Powers. It is almost to the point where they should cue up some Enter Sandman when this lady walks into the room and pulls up her mask, because I know there is no way I'm coming out of that chair without feeling some serious pain.

The best part of it is that as I'm spitting up more blood than Danny from the Real World after he got his face shattered, the hygienist has the audacity to subtly suggest that I really did this to myself. Her innocuous, "Have you been flossing regularly, honey? Your gums seem a little tender" implies that had I run some string through my teeth a little more often my gums would have gained super strength and would be impervious to her relentless stabbing and scraping. My gums are not made of metal lady. When you attack them with the passion of a young Landfill at an all you can eat buffet, they are bound to get a little "sensitive."

The worst part is, I think she enjoys it. I swear this lady's eyes light up like Hannibal Lecters when she gets that miniature ice pick in her hands. I never thought I would be so scared of the words "lean back and open wide" outside of prison... but she's got me. I only have to see this lady twice a year, but she still haunts my subconscious like a real-life Freddy Kruger.

Is there anyway around this? Do I suck it up as a necessary evil, or do I go British and deal with the consequences?

Man accused of vomiting on girl at game

PHILADELPHIA -- A New Jersey man is facing charges after police say he intentionally vomited on an 11-year-old girl and her father in the stands during a Philadelphia Phillies game.
Twenty-one-year-old Matthew Clemmens, of Cherry Hill, N.J., was arraigned Friday on charges stemming from his behavior at Wednesday night's Phillies-Nationals game.
Police say Clemmens made himself vomit on an off-duty police captain and his daughter after a companion was kicked out for unruly behavior.
Easton police Capt. Michael Vangelo says he saw Clemmens put his fingers down his throat. Philadelphia police say Clemmens also punched Vangelo and vomited on an arresting officer.
Clemmens is in custody on charges including assault and harassment. Bail is $12,000. His listed phone number is disconnected.

ESPN needs to learn how to investigate a story because this one has the stink all over it and it isn't because it involves people from the arm pit and grundle of the US. We know from the Big Ben story that PA cops basically participate and then help cover up sexual assaults so Michael Vangelo can quit with the holier than now routine. I bet he punched the Clemmens kid in the stomach and made him puke all over the little girl. Regardless of what actually happened though, I was surprised that this cop willingly brought his daughter to a Philly's game and parked her right in the bleachers. Now in most cities this probably would be ok. Little (let's call her) Sarah might hear a couple swears, see a pair of boobs, and get splashed with some beer, but she probably would make it out of the ballpark unscathed. But this is Philly. This is a place that was found to have the ugliest people in the United States by 2009 US Report. Now take a second and think of your ugliest friend. Now think of your most ruthless/meanest friend. Same person, right? My point is that that the Philly bleacher scene is basically a mob of the ugliest/meanest people in the US and maybe the planet. It's a mob that boo-ed Michael Irving when he was motionless on the field with a neck injury, that threw D batteries at JD Drew when he was with the Cards, and one that is certainly capable of purposely puking on little girls. So if anyone should be arrested for this "crime" it should be Michael Vangelo for knowingly endangering his child. I rest my case.

Friday Bathroom update

Man, you gotta love Fridays huh? It's the only day where you can disappear to the bathroom for 45 minutes and no one so much as bats an eye. Long stays in the bathroom though are always eventful and today I happened upon another bathroom personality that I had long known but never identified. It's the outwardly satisfied pisser, folks. I think we all have a little of this in us when we are on our homecourt or even at a bar. I'm the first to exhale in satisfaction after releasing a long-overdue piss when I wake up in the morning, but to do this at work seems like its showboating a bit. Like why are you holding it so long at work, bro? I drink like seven big waters a day and I've never been soooo busy that I couldn't take a quick run to the bathroom. So I'm calling out all you "outwardly satisfied pissers"...enough with all the peacocking in the workplace.

Is Tim Tebow the most annoying athlete ever?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Bs26aPmAYs

I don't think I have to say much here because the video pretty much speaks for itself, but Tim Tebow is fast becoming my least favorite athlete on the planet. This is the one guy in the history of sports that could possibly turn me against my favorite team. He is that much of a self-promoting D-Bag. Now a lot of people in the media (Mike Felger) are falling for all the tired cliches and rehearsed speeches that Tebow is feeding to any camera that will listen. Those people are convinced that Tebow has the intangibles of Brady and tell stories of when Brady bumped into Bob Kraft and told him, "I'm going to be the best decision you ever made." But here's the difference. Brady told Bob Kraft in a passing conversation in the hallways of Foxboro - not Jon Gruden and the rest of the world on ESPN. Brady didn't have to tell people that he would be the first and last person on the field - he just did it. So to me, Tebow represents that guy that everyone hates on the team. The one who kisses the coaches ass and wants to make sure everyone knows how hard of a worker, good person, and good teammate he is. Its sickening to listen to. I'd rather the Pat's draft Greg Paulus (the second most annoying athlete of all time) to come in as a third stringer then this nightmare.

Other annoying athletes (in no particular order):
Greg Ostertag
Fred Ex Mitchell
Kevin Youkilis
Joba Chamberlain
Mel Kiper (athlete? regardless he makes the list)
Reggie Miller the analyst
.....to be continued....

Lunch, Learn, & Connect: IT Security - Attack and Penetration - April 23, 2010

Just got this email from work....word on the street is that big ben is the guest speaker

- Ryter

Tough to get up from this knockout

APRIL 14--Meet Tony Smith. The South Carolina man was arrested last night for striking another man in the face--with a four-foot python. According to a Rock Hill Police Department report, Smith, 29, hit victim Jeffery Culp "in the face with the snake's head" following a dispute at a Rock Hill hotel (Culp told cops he had earlier exchanged words with Smith due to loud music playing in Smith's room).

I wonder what kind of line Smitty used after he bludgeoned the Culpster with his python... "Tell me how my snake tastes?" "Snake don't lie!", "Snake always beats rat." I don't even have the smallest bit of sympathy for Jeffrey Culp. I bet he is one of those guys that calls the cops or the hotel desk to complain about loud music. Tony was probably just playing some AC DC to get his python fired up for a feeding or something, and Jeff had to go and ruin it so he could concentrate while he read his latest Dungeons and Dragons magazine.

Good riddance... Snake don't lie!

Is reclining the most selfish act on the planet?

So I have been flying alot lately and I really need to vent. What you ask could turn a laid back guy into the John McEnroe of air travel? Well my friends, it's people who recline their seats with no regard for the person behind them.

You know the type... These people try to get horizontal faster than a north shore prom date. More importantly, they are not happy with simply giving themselves a slight recline. Oh no. These folks really go for it, jamming the seat back as far as it goes like there was a closest to the pin prize for who could get their seat closest to the one behind it.

Now on the base of it, I have nothing against a recliner. Everyone loves to recline. I mean reclining is to sitting what bacon is to sandwiches, it almost always improves the experience. So if there is no one behind you, or you got blessed with an upgrade to 1st class away from the poors, by all means recline to your heart's content.

The issue comes into play when there is someone behind you in coach, and today there is almost always someone behind you. Everyone who has flown more than a few time knows the reclineability of airplane seats is fairly minimal. As a result, while reclining may improve your comfort slightly, it is not a game changer. It would be a little bit like adding a player like J.R. Smith to the Knicks. Yeah he may provide some clutch shooting, but when it comes down to it, they are still going to suck more than a Nick Cage performance.

However the amount of pain you cause to the person behind you when you recline is huge. Basically every tiny improvement in comfort you get from reclining causes the comfort of the person behind you to deteriorate 10-fold. My biggest issue is that I think people get this, and yet you still have the people who recline without abandon.

I really think this may be one of the most selfish acts on the planet. Is there anything else that people do regularly today that provides minimal benefit to them but causes large amounts of pain for others? I have racked my brain and I just can't come up with one. I mean the Bernie Madoffs of the world at least reaped a huge benefit for themselves when they screwed people. Am I crazy here, or can we start a movement to have people limit their recline (1 - 2 inches is fine, after that you're getting selfish)?

....I am FREAKING OUT

What do you do at work when someone is coughing in your immediate vicinity uncontrollably the entire day? Clearly I'm not the boss because if I was I'd demand they go home. To me there isn't a more infuriating thing in the world then coughing. I don't like when I do it, I don't like when other people do it. Its like the "most annoying noise in the world" that Lloyd Christmas makes in the car with Harry. The only difference is that you're supposed to feel some sort of sympathy for the cougher because it's an "involuntary" action that they can't help. You can't be like SHUT UP even though the whole "involuntary" thing is kind of bullshit. I mean it's not like we're saving lives over here in the audit room...you can take a day off, bro. Now obviously I'm extra pissed about this because I'm going to frigging Mexico and I have this annoying girl coughing in my face as we speak. I don't know who this girl is but she definitely ain't getting a job on my blog once we make it big time...no way, no how. Everyone knows it isn't a smart career move to try to tough out a sickness. No one wants to be here in the first place so no one will hold it against you if you opt for a Nyquil coma instead of the office for a few days, hun. Now be gone...

Aloha and Hello

I will be at this pool bar in about 24 hours or so with fellow blogger, SImple Jack, loyal reader, Fonz Fonzinoon, and several other friends who choose not to read the blog. Now I've been staring at this picture for the last two months or so and I've been trying to decide the best seat at the bar. I know I'll always have my choice because I'm kind of like the gym rat drinker in that I pride myself on being the first one to arrive at the bar and the last one to leave. Commonsense tells me take the middle because you'll always be in the bartenders wheelhouse and friends can fill in around you. Commonsense doesn't always think things all the way through. Sure, at a regular bar you you don't even think twice about this (and certainly not for two months) because the tv access and bartender attention makes the middle the prime real estate. But a pool bar is a whole different ballgame. For one, there probably aren't tvs, but I definitely don't want to watch tv when I'm in a pool in Mexico....just not that interested in the spanish soaps I guess. And you can all but guarentee that people are constantly pissing at the foot of the bar too. You still probably never have to wait for a drink but the middle seat doesn't really have the same appeal when you got some old bag peeing on your leg....catch-22

Coach K: Cures for Constipation

In a candid moment during Final Four weekend in Indianapolis, Duke coach, Mike Krzyzewski, opened up to Shruting the Shit's own Simple Jack about his struggles with constipation and how a simple remedy has changed his life.

SJ: So what was it like battling severe constipation all these years?

MK: You really don't know the kind of pain I have been in. The frustration of wasted time on the toilet when I would push and push and nothing would come of it... it was more hopeless than the pro careers of most of the guys that came through Cameron Indoor. Also, living in constant fear that my next fart might be a wet one... it's tough holding that inside. I don't know what was more scary for me, having Greg Paulus as my starting point guard for 3 years or having to let one rip last week after we beat Baylor.

SJ: Wow, that is amazing. I can't imagine the pain of having to watch Greg Paulus slap the floor and pretend to play defense and Josh McRoberts wander aimlessly through games for two full years. All without the satisfaction of a solid deuce... Barbarrriiicccc.

MK: It really was. I mean, I'm a military guy, so I'm used to tough conditions, but this really stretched me to my limits.

SJ: So what finally changed? How did you get over it? Clearly your team is still softer than a duvet cover? You lack a low-post presence (just because Brian "I look like I belong at the Zoo"Bec scores 6 points and grabs a few boards against a WVU team with no center does not make him a post presence), and you have not even one first round lock in this summer's draft.

MK: I'm glad you asked that Jack, because it is so simple. The secret is the slow clap. I grit my teeth, make a face like I am trying to squeeze Steve Wojohowski through my rectum, and clap like I am rooting for Adam Banks to put the Mighty Ducks back on top. As you can see from the picture above, the method has been quite effective.

SJ: Well Mike, thanks for sharing. Screw another national championship, The Coach K grimace and slow clap should be an inspiration to constipated men and women everywhere. It's all about the fundamentals, and no one teaches them better than you. Thanks for your time and good luck tonight.

MK: Well thanks for having me. It feels good to be able to give something back to the community. Let's just hope I can squeeze a solid one out before the game so I can concentrate on solving the Butler whitewash.

God was Reading my Diary Again...

On her hit show True Blood, Anna Paquin loves vampires, and in real life she apparently loves men and women. The Oscar-winning actress recorded a public service announcement for the True Colors Fund, a nonprofit organization founded by Cyndi Lauper to support the LGBT community. Paquin makes the declaration at the beginning of the video, which also includes appearances by gay celebrities like Elton John, Wanda Sykes and Clay Aiken.

In sports, the most valuable guys are the people that can play multiple positions. We all remember Jared Dudley's amazing ability to guard every position on D and go both inside and outside on offense for the Eagles (editor's note: probably should have used the Magic Johnson playing center here but I really don't like that guy). We were reminded of the value of versatility again last year when Mike Lowell's leg was hanging off and Youk was able to switch seamlessly between first and third. And who could forget when Patriot great Troy Brown switched sides of the ball and played nickel back for Belichick (and did a pretty good job to boot). The reason I bring these examples up is because Anna Paquin is showing us that versatility is just as important in the cut throat world of television. She already became the first and only women to rock the gap tooth smile to perfection, but Anna knew that wasn't enough to carry True Blood through its third season. For those of you that haven't been watching, the show is basically a vampire soap opera with a soft core porn touch. But they've pretty much done it all when it comes to sexual content....they've had human on human, human on shapeshifter, mind reader on guy vampire, guy vampire on human....you get the idea. With the Vampire craze dying down a bit, True Blood needed someone to do something different....and Anna stepped up by way of her bi-sexuality. Like Duds, Youk, and Troy, Anna saw a need and she fillled it. That's what great people do and Anna Paquin can now count herself among the greatest. Cue the slow clap....

Wanted: Ear Biting Gang

BOSTON (FOX 25 / myfoxboston.com) – A Bridgewater man was brutally attacked Saturday night at a Faneuil Hall bar. A group of suspects bit 21-year-old Adam Jaspon’s ear off at Good Bar in Boston, according to police. Three sergeants and detectives managed to free the victim from the attackers. Police say the victim is a junior at Massachusetts Maritime Academy. Jaspon’s studies have been interrupted while he undergoes a series of reconstructive operations on his damaged ear. The fight allegedly broke out in the downstairs of the Good Bar when a man who bumped into his girlfriend failed to apologize. Jaspon was operated on at Massachuetts General Hospital today in an effort to rebuild his ear. Boston police are now reviewing surveillance video of the attack to see if the suspect can be identified. The family is offering a $2,000 reward for anyone gives information to the police that leads to an arrest.

Jeez...Fanueil Hall is getting pretty rugged these days, huh? I mean first someone steals my jacket from Sissy K's last year, then someone steals my friend's jacket from Jose Mac's this year, and now this. Not one… not two… but a group of suspects all in the business of biting people's ears off at bars. I can't help but wonder how this posse formed...facebook group or something? Regardless, I'd keep the women and children at home if your going to Fanueil Hall anytime soon because look at the reward for diming these cannibals out to the police...$2,000....even though that's like 2000 5 piece chicken nugget deals at Mickey D's I think I'm gonna have to pass…I got huge ears and I can't even begin to think what these people might do to them.

Blogger.com...your stocks are down

Has anyone ever actually read or understood an error message? Me either...but I'm getting one when I try to post a comment but great comments cannot wait for a tech guy so here is my response to Simple's post...


I loved it in the Soprano's when Junior fell down the stairs and then faked the crazies to get out of a jail sentence...classic move. Also, I wonder if this fella is into dating? We don't need match.com to tell us that this guy and that Jersey trash going for the fattest woman in the world record are a match made in heaven.
http://www.thaindian.com/newsportal/health/woman-aims-to-be-worlds-fattest-eats-mounds-of-food_100334829.html

George "The Garbage Disposal" Jolicoeur

APRIL 1--Meet George Jolicoeur. The 600-pound Florida man copped yesterday to criminal charges of stealing food from restaurants and convenience stores. The bedridden Jolicoeur was not in a Seminole County courtroom when his lawyer entered a no contest plea on the 38-year-old's behalf to five misdemeanor petty theft counts. The plea deal spared the 5' 11" Jolicoeur--who breathes with the aid of a respirator--a jail term, though he was ordered to pay court costs and restitution. According to investigators, Jolicoeur would con businesses out of food or refunds by claiming that his grub was spoiled, adulterated, or inedible (Jolicoeur's ruse dates back several years and resulted in a prior no contest plea to theft charges)


This may have been one of the best scams of all time. I mean who is going to question a 5'11" 600 pound behemoth when he says some food was no good. The guy clearly knows his food. That would be like questioning Tom Brady about his taste in women or Peyton Manning about how to blame your teammates when you mess up. When your the best at something, and clearly our boy Georgie knows how to put fast food down, there is just no room for people to question you.

You may ask, well didn't they get suspicious when he would eat almost a full pizza and then tell them the cheese was spoiled? But let me remind you... the guy is 600 friggin pounds. His stomach is probably not the most discerning thing and the people at the pizza parlor are probably just happy Gorilla George didn't take off their finger when they brought him over his pie.

Anyway, I just want to give George his due. It's not that often we are in the presence of true professionals. This guy has been pulling off a brilliantly executed scam for years and laughing at all of us chumps who actually pay for our food. As a side note, you know you are in the big leagues when a guy gets out of another jail sentence with the old respirator in the court room gag. That's a real throwback move. Clearly George was paying attention in con school and really worked on refining his fundamentals over the year.

I wonder....

This is a new Friday tradition that I'm starting...called I wonder...feel free to chime-in with what you've been pondering...

- I wonder if Butler and Duke will cause a white-boy revelution in basketball....

- I wonder if you carry an UNloaded gun into airport security...is that cool?

- I wonder if you mix Al Skinner and Mick Jagger... would you get Eric Williams?

- I wonder how Shelley Smith got a job with ESPN?

- I wonder how Craig Seger got a job with TNT?

- Lost...don't know where to start

Tough Time to be a Mangina

CLEVELAND -- Cleveland Browns nose tackle Shaun Rogers remains in jail after being arrested for trying to carry a loaded gun onto a plane. Rogers was arrested Thursday at Hopkins International Airport. A .45-caliber handgun was spotted in his luggage while he was going through a security checkpoint. Police said Friday that Rogers has not yet been charged. He was booked for carrying a concealed weapon, a third-degree felony that carries a penalty of probation to five years in prison. Rogers likely faces disciplinary action from the NFL under its personal-conduct policy for players. A three-time Pro Bowl selection, the 31-year-old Rogers has played two seasons with the Browns. Cleveland acquired him from Detroit in a 2008 trade.

First of all, lets not judge Shaun Rogers here. I can't tell you how many times I've forgotten to take my belt off when I walk through the metal detector at the airport and every time there is this HUGE over-reaction. Those airport people are ready to taser the crap out of you if you mess up so I feel Shaun Roger's pain here. I'm sure he had originally planned to check his gat and forgot to take it out of his pocket...honest mistake, right? Or maybe he was flying one of those airlines that make you pay like $200 to check a bag...screw that. I mean who is the real criminal here? Having said that I doubt the judge will show Shaun any mercy (see plaxico burress)....so how much does it suck to be a Browns fan? First the team moves to Baltimore and wins a superbowl, they counter by drafting Tim Couch, Brady Quinn, and several other failures, Crennell gets canned and they bring in a proven loser in Mangini, Braylon Edwards can't catch, kills my fantasy team, and gets moved to New York (where he catches two tds in his first game), the fans wear paper bags to games, and then this Shaun Rogers business. The Browns have become the Bengals 2.0 - upgrade in arrests....downgrade in wins. It's not all bad in Cleveland though....they always have Lebron....

Guam in Danger of Tipping Over?

I know these links suck...but I don't know how to embed videos so deal with it for now...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNZczIgVXjg&feature=player_embedded#


Perhaps the most important lesson a father can teach a son is that it is better to be quiet and have people think your stupid, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt. Well apparently Old Hank never got this memo or somehow forgot (more likely as he was elected to the House at some point). I'm not going to lie, I had no idea who Hank Johnson was before I saw this video but a little Wikipedia research tells me he is a state rep from Atlanta. I watch a lot of Gangland so I know Atlanta has been a drug crazed hell hole ever since Willy Sherman burned it to the ground, but now I know why. I'm not sure when Hank fell off the wagon but it was like he saw Robert Byrd's senile and raised him some insanity. The video really speaks for itself - my only question is when will Coor's Light start using these sound bites for commercials? I can see it now...


Coors Light guy: "Hey Hank, what are the dimensions of a Coor's Light can?"
Hank: "About twelve....twelve....ahhh...."
Coor's Light guy: "Ounces?"
Hank: "Well you know a lot of people don't want to think about that..."
Coors Light Guy: "Ok...well do you like the wide mouth"
Hank: "7....7....12...7...ahhh....my fear is that it will tip over and capsize."

The Mouth Finally Canned

Their are a lot of people in the world that can never experience the sensation of closing their mouths (Tiger Woods, Victor Page and Pau Gasol to name a few). It seems all people that never close their mouths are annoying (ok maybe I liked Victor) but none have bothered me as consistently as Al Skinner. I've been calling for this guys head ever since he sucked the life out of BC basketball ten years ago by packing it in...on offense. I wonder how many fast break points the Eagles had since Skinner has been at the helm? 800? That's about 80 a year...about 2 or so a game.... Sounds about right... My guess is that Kentucky probably had more THIS YEAR. And Skinner's lazy, boring offense matched his recruiting style. The guy (more likely his assistants who clearly left fo greener pastures) brought in some diamonds in the rough in the past. He had Dudley, Craig Smith, and Troy Bell and had some good runs as a result. But apparently Al didn't get the memo that a strong recruiting program translates into better talent and more wins because he decided to take an entire year off. Seriously, go check the roster. The Eagles have ONE frehsman on the roster this year....and he wasn't even added until December. Has there ever been another program to accomplish this feat? And yet, it took BC the enitre year to can this guy...and people seem shocked...pretty unbelievable stuff.

Let's see what Big Al has done the last two years. He got blown out at home by Harvard....basically Jeremy Lin and a bunch of D-3 level talent. BC got blown-out because they were ridiculously flat and Big Al was too stubborn to press a team with no ball handlers...I've never seen something like it. That is until the same thing happened this year...to the same team minus Tyrese Rice (because Al decided not to recruit for a year). So that's why I'm thankful he is gone. As for the next coach, I'm hoping BC brings in a guy with the sleaziness and style of Caliparri because last time I checked BC ain't Duke....they're not getting any McDonald's guys unless they're paying so its time to leave our morality at the door and start pulling some strings.