Lebron Finally Helps Bring Title Back to Cleveland

(Forbes)

This year Cleveland takes the top spot in Forbes third annual ranking of America's Most Miserable Cities. Cleveland secured the position thanks to its high unemployment, high taxes, lousy weather, corruption by public officials and crummy sports teams.

The city of Cleveland has had a colorful history. The Cuyahoga River, which runs through the city, famously caught fire in 1969 thanks to rampant pollution, and it wasn't the first time. In 1978 it became the first U.S. city to default on its debts since the Great Depression. Cleveland sports fans have had to endure more anguish than those in any other city. The city has been dubbed with a less than endearing nickname: the Mistake by the Lake.

You have to hand it to Lebron here, I mean people say he doesn’t know how to win a title, they say he’s not a team player—Nonsense. Lebron finally robbed the city of Cleveland of enough hope that he could procure them the title they’ve been waiting for. Look at what this man has done for the city, he’s given them something to take pride in! Oh you have no job? your house is being repossessed? Your polluted river is on fire? Well hey lets throw in a side of hometown pride for the worst sports franchises in the country to boot.

Lebron is a lot like a Korean Masseuse with no thumbs. He can get you close, but just doesn’t have what it takes to give a season a happy ending. And now to top it off, Cleveland has the whole city doing the Happy Gilmore “I wanna kiss you all over” to try and keep this guy around—Tremendous!

If I was in Cleveland I’d be moving on quickly to the newly anointed Miami-Wade County. Beautiful weather, women, and a hoop star that doesn’t leave you as depressed as a Serena Williams playboy shoot.