The US government needs to come together on an issue that pisses me and, I can assume, every other normal guy off and it isn't the current healthcare system....no....it is an issue far more important and in more need of immediate reform... Its the urination all over the toilet seats in the mens' bathrooms at my workplace, folks. I've been enraged by this for a while and I refuse to stay silent on the issue any longer. My assumption is that this is a universal problem because if you've seen one office then you've seen them all - but even if you don't understand my outrage right now, a time may come when you too find yourself a victim of a toilet seat encrusted with urine. And if that time ever comes then you too will want...no deserve...an explanation of the kind of person who does this and their motivation for doing so.
Unfortunately it's doubtful that a guy who chooses to pee in the confines of a stall is in the business of taking responsibility so I will have to explore my own theories. Now I can see someone opting for a stall if there are no dividers especially if your a little self-conscious, have an erratic spray, or are simply from the school of Larry David. The thing is my office has dividers. In fact, every office I've ever been in has dividers. I'm not talking about the Fenway Park urinal lineup where there are no dividers and your potentially small penis is exposed or your erratic spray can get you pummelled. I'm talking about one urinal...tall divider...second urinal. A curious Shaq couldn't get a peek of my twig and berries in this bathroom. It is completely secure. And yet, every time I go into the bathroom and the handicap stall (love the space) is occupied, I ALWAYS find dried urine all over the seat in the second stall. Its infuriating and there is no one to complain to. Sure, I could find a janitor...I'm sure he has a lot to bitch about...but getting a janitor on my side isn't going to get the job done. So I'm pleading to all of you who are normal and considerate...who enjoy an un-piss-tified seat...to stand up and join me in protest of this grave injustice!
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I agree with all that is said in the above. Let me propose another threat to bathroom ethics. You have a nice big reuben for lunch, doused plenty of thousand island, which is great, but hits you later. You nosy on over to the bathroom, squat, and produce a miraculous and glorifying bowl movement. You wipe, easy clean up; everything looks good. Flush the toilet, no problems, all matter is distinguished through the hole, to where ever it goes. Even science today can't prove where the toilet flushes are removed to, but that's another story. There's only one problem, a huge brown streak is remaining on the sides of the wall, where the water just hits it, but not enough to remove all remains. You flush again, no change.
ReplyDeleteMy proposed question is, do you leave it, and accept defeat, or do you dive in with some toilet paper, reaching your hand in a public restroom toilet, and clean your mess.
Chris being an advocate of appropriate bathroom manners, please share your opinion.
If your a guy I don't think you clean it unless its at your residence...even then its probably best to leave the cleaning to a professional (i.e. mom, wife, or girlfriend)..
ReplyDeleteIf your a girl, however, you don't want to run the risk of another girl diming you out to the guys in the office, at the bar, or wherever so I think in that scenario it is most prudent to literally get your hands dirty.
Another bathroom dilemma... You finish off a morning oatmeal around 9:30, grab your phone and fire up barstool sports and get ready to head to the bathroom to hit up the beloved handicap stall.
ReplyDeleteHowever, upon wandering into the bathroom you see that the handicap stall and the JetBlue-like extra legroom it offers is occupied.
Having sworn off the little stall, because you feel more claustophobic than Ruben Studdard in a London Phone booth, you are left with two options. Immediately turn around and exit the bathroom or fake a pee at the urinal.
I almost always opt for the fake a pee routine because I feel like the cube dwellers who sit outside the bathroom and the guy blowing up the stall will think its weird that someone is walking in and out of the bathroom without doing anything.
Am I the only one running into this issue? Any other suggestions for getting around this obstacle?
First I'd like to say that you are justified in ignoring the little stall. Because of the the lack of leg room, you run a huge risk of having your pants or underpants touching the underbelly of the toilet seat. I'm actually not even sure why they bother putting the low urinal or the small stall in the bathroom. I know you have to accomodate children and midgets but can't they just stand on their tippie-toes or sit to pee? Anyway....to the main scenario...
ReplyDeleteI always go for the fake pee but you introduce an interesting scenario that deserves some analysis.
When I go for the fake pee, I usually am focused on one thing - the person in the stall. In general, the people in the stall aren't going to give you a second thought on their way out of the bathroom....they might lolly-gag while in the confines of the stall but once the door opens they have one goal in mind and that is to distance themselves from the bomb they just dropped. But there are other risks that you may not think about. What if a co-worker enters the dojo while you are executing the fake pee? If he is a pisser then you are probably still all set. You can finish up and then buy time at the sink until he is gone (this is assuming he isn't also a faker because then there may be an epic standoff). Once he leaves you can safely resume your fake pee until the shitter gets out of your desired stall. If another shitter (one that is willing to wait) comes in then I think your screwed. You've already established yourself as a pisser so your position in line is gone. In this rare instance you probably have a good chance of shitting your pants. So I think my suggestion would be to wait for the stall during high volume times (post morning coffee breaks and after lunch) because there will probably be an influx of "waiters", but utilize the fake pee at all other times.
Nice scenario, and one that I have run into many times. Let me present the situation, which ultimately led to my final decision. My bathroom at work at 2 urinals, and 2 stalls. I went in looking to take a ripple, and found that 1 person was in a stall, and 1 person was using a urinal, both happened to be bosses (I recognized the shoes of the guy in the stall). Luckily I had to pee, so I took a wizz test to my P.O..
ReplyDeleteLeft the bathroom, only to come back 15 minutes later, passing the same cubes and offices as before heading to the bathroom. That alone looks suspicious, so I crack jokes that I'm doing a line of coke. Once again, the bathroom has 1 person in a stall, and another in the urinal.
My synopsis is to let it all hang out. If you have to ripple, let the stream flow, no matter who's in the bathroom. You risk the reputation of a heavy bathroom user, if you keep responding to the situation, but draw blanks each time.
Ciao.
Whenever you go with the old "going to do a line" joke you are bound to get some uncomfortable laughter which will undoubtedly loosen you up as you head into war...bravo sir
ReplyDelete