Friday, April 16, 2010
Sexy....kinda
Prime example of why Hair Club for Men makes the big bucks...turn a bald Chris Feo into Howie Mandel circa when Bobby's World was dominating the saturday morning cartoon scene.
Dental Dam - age
In keeping with the ranting theme, today I had to take a trip to the dentist. Now I'm one of those kids that everybody hates, never had even a hint of a cavity. What can I say good breeding. Similar to athletes like Jordan and LeBron, good teeth are born not made.
Now you think that someone with an impeccable smile and not a sniff of plaque would relish the opportunity to go to the dentist and have an expert tell them what a pleasure it is to work on such a fine specimen of a mouth. But oh, no. Not by a long shot.
Every time I got to the dentist, the hygienist treats my teeth like she is working on Austin Friggin Powers. It is almost to the point where they should cue up some Enter Sandman when this lady walks into the room and pulls up her mask, because I know there is no way I'm coming out of that chair without feeling some serious pain.
The best part of it is that as I'm spitting up more blood than Danny from the Real World after he got his face shattered, the hygienist has the audacity to subtly suggest that I really did this to myself. Her innocuous, "Have you been flossing regularly, honey? Your gums seem a little tender" implies that had I run some string through my teeth a little more often my gums would have gained super strength and would be impervious to her relentless stabbing and scraping. My gums are not made of metal lady. When you attack them with the passion of a young Landfill at an all you can eat buffet, they are bound to get a little "sensitive."
The worst part is, I think she enjoys it. I swear this lady's eyes light up like Hannibal Lecters when she gets that miniature ice pick in her hands. I never thought I would be so scared of the words "lean back and open wide" outside of prison... but she's got me. I only have to see this lady twice a year, but she still haunts my subconscious like a real-life Freddy Kruger.
Is there anyway around this? Do I suck it up as a necessary evil, or do I go British and deal with the consequences?
Man accused of vomiting on girl at game
PHILADELPHIA -- A New Jersey man is facing charges after police say he intentionally vomited on an 11-year-old girl and her father in the stands during a Philadelphia Phillies game.
Twenty-one-year-old Matthew Clemmens, of Cherry Hill, N.J., was arraigned Friday on charges stemming from his behavior at Wednesday night's Phillies-Nationals game.
Police say Clemmens made himself vomit on an off-duty police captain and his daughter after a companion was kicked out for unruly behavior.
Easton police Capt. Michael Vangelo says he saw Clemmens put his fingers down his throat. Philadelphia police say Clemmens also punched Vangelo and vomited on an arresting officer.
Clemmens is in custody on charges including assault and harassment. Bail is $12,000. His listed phone number is disconnected.
ESPN needs to learn how to investigate a story because this one has the stink all over it and it isn't because it involves people from the arm pit and grundle of the US. We know from the Big Ben story that PA cops basically participate and then help cover up sexual assaults so Michael Vangelo can quit with the holier than now routine. I bet he punched the Clemmens kid in the stomach and made him puke all over the little girl. Regardless of what actually happened though, I was surprised that this cop willingly brought his daughter to a Philly's game and parked her right in the bleachers. Now in most cities this probably would be ok. Little (let's call her) Sarah might hear a couple swears, see a pair of boobs, and get splashed with some beer, but she probably would make it out of the ballpark unscathed. But this is Philly. This is a place that was found to have the ugliest people in the United States by 2009 US Report. Now take a second and think of your ugliest friend. Now think of your most ruthless/meanest friend. Same person, right? My point is that that the Philly bleacher scene is basically a mob of the ugliest/meanest people in the US and maybe the planet. It's a mob that boo-ed Michael Irving when he was motionless on the field with a neck injury, that threw D batteries at JD Drew when he was with the Cards, and one that is certainly capable of purposely puking on little girls. So if anyone should be arrested for this "crime" it should be Michael Vangelo for knowingly endangering his child. I rest my case.
Twenty-one-year-old Matthew Clemmens, of Cherry Hill, N.J., was arraigned Friday on charges stemming from his behavior at Wednesday night's Phillies-Nationals game.
Police say Clemmens made himself vomit on an off-duty police captain and his daughter after a companion was kicked out for unruly behavior.
Easton police Capt. Michael Vangelo says he saw Clemmens put his fingers down his throat. Philadelphia police say Clemmens also punched Vangelo and vomited on an arresting officer.
Clemmens is in custody on charges including assault and harassment. Bail is $12,000. His listed phone number is disconnected.
ESPN needs to learn how to investigate a story because this one has the stink all over it and it isn't because it involves people from the arm pit and grundle of the US. We know from the Big Ben story that PA cops basically participate and then help cover up sexual assaults so Michael Vangelo can quit with the holier than now routine. I bet he punched the Clemmens kid in the stomach and made him puke all over the little girl. Regardless of what actually happened though, I was surprised that this cop willingly brought his daughter to a Philly's game and parked her right in the bleachers. Now in most cities this probably would be ok. Little (let's call her) Sarah might hear a couple swears, see a pair of boobs, and get splashed with some beer, but she probably would make it out of the ballpark unscathed. But this is Philly. This is a place that was found to have the ugliest people in the United States by 2009 US Report. Now take a second and think of your ugliest friend. Now think of your most ruthless/meanest friend. Same person, right? My point is that that the Philly bleacher scene is basically a mob of the ugliest/meanest people in the US and maybe the planet. It's a mob that boo-ed Michael Irving when he was motionless on the field with a neck injury, that threw D batteries at JD Drew when he was with the Cards, and one that is certainly capable of purposely puking on little girls. So if anyone should be arrested for this "crime" it should be Michael Vangelo for knowingly endangering his child. I rest my case.
Friday Bathroom update
Man, you gotta love Fridays huh? It's the only day where you can disappear to the bathroom for 45 minutes and no one so much as bats an eye. Long stays in the bathroom though are always eventful and today I happened upon another bathroom personality that I had long known but never identified. It's the outwardly satisfied pisser, folks. I think we all have a little of this in us when we are on our homecourt or even at a bar. I'm the first to exhale in satisfaction after releasing a long-overdue piss when I wake up in the morning, but to do this at work seems like its showboating a bit. Like why are you holding it so long at work, bro? I drink like seven big waters a day and I've never been soooo busy that I couldn't take a quick run to the bathroom. So I'm calling out all you "outwardly satisfied pissers"...enough with all the peacocking in the workplace.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Is Tim Tebow the most annoying athlete ever?
I don't think I have to say much here because the video pretty much speaks for itself, but Tim Tebow is fast becoming my least favorite athlete on the planet. This is the one guy in the history of sports that could possibly turn me against my favorite team. He is that much of a self-promoting D-Bag. Now a lot of people in the media (Mike Felger) are falling for all the tired cliches and rehearsed speeches that Tebow is feeding to any camera that will listen. Those people are convinced that Tebow has the intangibles of Brady and tell stories of when Brady bumped into Bob Kraft and told him, "I'm going to be the best decision you ever made." But here's the difference. Brady told Bob Kraft in a passing conversation in the hallways of Foxboro - not Jon Gruden and the rest of the world on ESPN. Brady didn't have to tell people that he would be the first and last person on the field - he just did it. So to me, Tebow represents that guy that everyone hates on the team. The one who kisses the coaches ass and wants to make sure everyone knows how hard of a worker, good person, and good teammate he is. Its sickening to listen to. I'd rather the Pat's draft Greg Paulus (the second most annoying athlete of all time) to come in as a third stringer then this nightmare.
Other annoying athletes (in no particular order):
Greg Ostertag
Fred Ex Mitchell
Kevin Youkilis
Joba Chamberlain
Mel Kiper (athlete? regardless he makes the list)
Reggie Miller the analyst
.....to be continued....
Lunch, Learn, & Connect: IT Security - Attack and Penetration - April 23, 2010
Just got this email from work....word on the street is that big ben is the guest speaker
- Ryter
- Ryter
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