APRIL 14--Meet Tony Smith. The South Carolina man was arrested last night for striking another man in the face--with a four-foot python. According to a Rock Hill Police Department report, Smith, 29, hit victim Jeffery Culp "in the face with the snake's head" following a dispute at a Rock Hill hotel (Culp told cops he had earlier exchanged words with Smith due to loud music playing in Smith's room).
I wonder what kind of line Smitty used after he bludgeoned the Culpster with his python... "Tell me how my snake tastes?" "Snake don't lie!", "Snake always beats rat." I don't even have the smallest bit of sympathy for Jeffrey Culp. I bet he is one of those guys that calls the cops or the hotel desk to complain about loud music. Tony was probably just playing some AC DC to get his python fired up for a feeding or something, and Jeff had to go and ruin it so he could concentrate while he read his latest Dungeons and Dragons magazine.
Good riddance... Snake don't lie!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Is reclining the most selfish act on the planet?
So I have been flying alot lately and I really need to vent. What you ask could turn a laid back guy into the John McEnroe of air travel? Well my friends, it's people who recline their seats with no regard for the person behind them.
You know the type... These people try to get horizontal faster than a north shore prom date. More importantly, they are not happy with simply giving themselves a slight recline. Oh no. These folks really go for it, jamming the seat back as far as it goes like there was a closest to the pin prize for who could get their seat closest to the one behind it.
Now on the base of it, I have nothing against a recliner. Everyone loves to recline. I mean reclining is to sitting what bacon is to sandwiches, it almost always improves the experience. So if there is no one behind you, or you got blessed with an upgrade to 1st class away from the poors, by all means recline to your heart's content.
The issue comes into play when there is someone behind you in coach, and today there is almost always someone behind you. Everyone who has flown more than a few time knows the reclineability of airplane seats is fairly minimal. As a result, while reclining may improve your comfort slightly, it is not a game changer. It would be a little bit like adding a player like J.R. Smith to the Knicks. Yeah he may provide some clutch shooting, but when it comes down to it, they are still going to suck more than a Nick Cage performance.
However the amount of pain you cause to the person behind you when you recline is huge. Basically every tiny improvement in comfort you get from reclining causes the comfort of the person behind you to deteriorate 10-fold. My biggest issue is that I think people get this, and yet you still have the people who recline without abandon.
I really think this may be one of the most selfish acts on the planet. Is there anything else that people do regularly today that provides minimal benefit to them but causes large amounts of pain for others? I have racked my brain and I just can't come up with one. I mean the Bernie Madoffs of the world at least reaped a huge benefit for themselves when they screwed people. Am I crazy here, or can we start a movement to have people limit their recline (1 - 2 inches is fine, after that you're getting selfish)?
You know the type... These people try to get horizontal faster than a north shore prom date. More importantly, they are not happy with simply giving themselves a slight recline. Oh no. These folks really go for it, jamming the seat back as far as it goes like there was a closest to the pin prize for who could get their seat closest to the one behind it.
Now on the base of it, I have nothing against a recliner. Everyone loves to recline. I mean reclining is to sitting what bacon is to sandwiches, it almost always improves the experience. So if there is no one behind you, or you got blessed with an upgrade to 1st class away from the poors, by all means recline to your heart's content.
The issue comes into play when there is someone behind you in coach, and today there is almost always someone behind you. Everyone who has flown more than a few time knows the reclineability of airplane seats is fairly minimal. As a result, while reclining may improve your comfort slightly, it is not a game changer. It would be a little bit like adding a player like J.R. Smith to the Knicks. Yeah he may provide some clutch shooting, but when it comes down to it, they are still going to suck more than a Nick Cage performance.
However the amount of pain you cause to the person behind you when you recline is huge. Basically every tiny improvement in comfort you get from reclining causes the comfort of the person behind you to deteriorate 10-fold. My biggest issue is that I think people get this, and yet you still have the people who recline without abandon.
I really think this may be one of the most selfish acts on the planet. Is there anything else that people do regularly today that provides minimal benefit to them but causes large amounts of pain for others? I have racked my brain and I just can't come up with one. I mean the Bernie Madoffs of the world at least reaped a huge benefit for themselves when they screwed people. Am I crazy here, or can we start a movement to have people limit their recline (1 - 2 inches is fine, after that you're getting selfish)?
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
....I am FREAKING OUT
What do you do at work when someone is coughing in your immediate vicinity uncontrollably the entire day? Clearly I'm not the boss because if I was I'd demand they go home. To me there isn't a more infuriating thing in the world then coughing. I don't like when I do it, I don't like when other people do it. Its like the "most annoying noise in the world" that Lloyd Christmas makes in the car with Harry. The only difference is that you're supposed to feel some sort of sympathy for the cougher because it's an "involuntary" action that they can't help. You can't be like SHUT UP even though the whole "involuntary" thing is kind of bullshit. I mean it's not like we're saving lives over here in the audit room...you can take a day off, bro. Now obviously I'm extra pissed about this because I'm going to frigging Mexico and I have this annoying girl coughing in my face as we speak. I don't know who this girl is but she definitely ain't getting a job on my blog once we make it big time...no way, no how. Everyone knows it isn't a smart career move to try to tough out a sickness. No one wants to be here in the first place so no one will hold it against you if you opt for a Nyquil coma instead of the office for a few days, hun. Now be gone...
Aloha and Hello
I will be at this pool bar in about 24 hours or so with fellow blogger, SImple Jack, loyal reader, Fonz Fonzinoon, and several other friends who choose not to read the blog. Now I've been staring at this picture for the last two months or so and I've been trying to decide the best seat at the bar. I know I'll always have my choice because I'm kind of like the gym rat drinker in that I pride myself on being the first one to arrive at the bar and the last one to leave. Commonsense tells me take the middle because you'll always be in the bartenders wheelhouse and friends can fill in around you. Commonsense doesn't always think things all the way through. Sure, at a regular bar you you don't even think twice about this (and certainly not for two months) because the tv access and bartender attention makes the middle the prime real estate. But a pool bar is a whole different ballgame. For one, there probably aren't tvs, but I definitely don't want to watch tv when I'm in a pool in Mexico....just not that interested in the spanish soaps I guess. And you can all but guarentee that people are constantly pissing at the foot of the bar too. You still probably never have to wait for a drink but the middle seat doesn't really have the same appeal when you got some old bag peeing on your leg....catch-22
Monday, April 5, 2010
Coach K: Cures for Constipation
In a candid moment during Final Four weekend in Indianapolis, Duke coach, Mike Krzyzewski, opened up to Shruting the Shit's own Simple Jack about his struggles with constipation and how a simple remedy has changed his life.
SJ: So what was it like battling severe constipation all these years?
MK: You really don't know the kind of pain I have been in. The frustration of wasted time on the toilet when I would push and push and nothing would come of it... it was more hopeless than the pro careers of most of the guys that came through Cameron Indoor. Also, living in constant fear that my next fart might be a wet one... it's tough holding that inside. I don't know what was more scary for me, having Greg Paulus as my starting point guard for 3 years or having to let one rip last week after we beat Baylor.
SJ: Wow, that is amazing. I can't imagine the pain of having to watch Greg Paulus slap the floor and pretend to play defense and Josh McRoberts wander aimlessly through games for two full years. All without the satisfaction of a solid deuce... Barbarrriiicccc.
MK: It really was. I mean, I'm a military guy, so I'm used to tough conditions, but this really stretched me to my limits.
SJ: So what finally changed? How did you get over it? Clearly your team is still softer than a duvet cover? You lack a low-post presence (just because Brian "I look like I belong at the Zoo"Bec scores 6 points and grabs a few boards against a WVU team with no center does not make him a post presence), and you have not even one first round lock in this summer's draft.
MK: I'm glad you asked that Jack, because it is so simple. The secret is the slow clap. I grit my teeth, make a face like I am trying to squeeze Steve Wojohowski through my rectum, and clap like I am rooting for Adam Banks to put the Mighty Ducks back on top. As you can see from the picture above, the method has been quite effective.
SJ: Well Mike, thanks for sharing. Screw another national championship, The Coach K grimace and slow clap should be an inspiration to constipated men and women everywhere. It's all about the fundamentals, and no one teaches them better than you. Thanks for your time and good luck tonight.
MK: Well thanks for having me. It feels good to be able to give something back to the community. Let's just hope I can squeeze a solid one out before the game so I can concentrate on solving the Butler whitewash.
God was Reading my Diary Again...
On her hit show True Blood, Anna Paquin loves vampires, and in real life she apparently loves men and women. The Oscar-winning actress recorded a public service announcement for the True Colors Fund, a nonprofit organization founded by Cyndi Lauper to support the LGBT community. Paquin makes the declaration at the beginning of the video, which also includes appearances by gay celebrities like Elton John, Wanda Sykes and Clay Aiken.
In sports, the most valuable guys are the people that can play multiple positions. We all remember Jared Dudley's amazing ability to guard every position on D and go both inside and outside on offense for the Eagles (editor's note: probably should have used the Magic Johnson playing center here but I really don't like that guy). We were reminded of the value of versatility again last year when Mike Lowell's leg was hanging off and Youk was able to switch seamlessly between first and third. And who could forget when Patriot great Troy Brown switched sides of the ball and played nickel back for Belichick (and did a pretty good job to boot). The reason I bring these examples up is because Anna Paquin is showing us that versatility is just as important in the cut throat world of television. She already became the first and only women to rock the gap tooth smile to perfection, but Anna knew that wasn't enough to carry True Blood through its third season. For those of you that haven't been watching, the show is basically a vampire soap opera with a soft core porn touch. But they've pretty much done it all when it comes to sexual content....they've had human on human, human on shapeshifter, mind reader on guy vampire, guy vampire on human....you get the idea. With the Vampire craze dying down a bit, True Blood needed someone to do something different....and Anna stepped up by way of her bi-sexuality. Like Duds, Youk, and Troy, Anna saw a need and she fillled it. That's what great people do and Anna Paquin can now count herself among the greatest. Cue the slow clap....
Friday, April 2, 2010
Wanted: Ear Biting Gang
BOSTON (FOX 25 / myfoxboston.com) – A Bridgewater man was brutally attacked Saturday night at a Faneuil Hall bar. A group of suspects bit 21-year-old Adam Jaspon’s ear off at Good Bar in Boston, according to police. Three sergeants and detectives managed to free the victim from the attackers. Police say the victim is a junior at Massachusetts Maritime Academy. Jaspon’s studies have been interrupted while he undergoes a series of reconstructive operations on his damaged ear. The fight allegedly broke out in the downstairs of the Good Bar when a man who bumped into his girlfriend failed to apologize. Jaspon was operated on at Massachuetts General Hospital today in an effort to rebuild his ear. Boston police are now reviewing surveillance video of the attack to see if the suspect can be identified. The family is offering a $2,000 reward for anyone gives information to the police that leads to an arrest.
Jeez...Fanueil Hall is getting pretty rugged these days, huh? I mean first someone steals my jacket from Sissy K's last year, then someone steals my friend's jacket from Jose Mac's this year, and now this. Not one… not two… but a group of suspects all in the business of biting people's ears off at bars. I can't help but wonder how this posse formed...facebook group or something? Regardless, I'd keep the women and children at home if your going to Fanueil Hall anytime soon because look at the reward for diming these cannibals out to the police...$2,000....even though that's like 2000 5 piece chicken nugget deals at Mickey D's I think I'm gonna have to pass…I got huge ears and I can't even begin to think what these people might do to them.
Jeez...Fanueil Hall is getting pretty rugged these days, huh? I mean first someone steals my jacket from Sissy K's last year, then someone steals my friend's jacket from Jose Mac's this year, and now this. Not one… not two… but a group of suspects all in the business of biting people's ears off at bars. I can't help but wonder how this posse formed...facebook group or something? Regardless, I'd keep the women and children at home if your going to Fanueil Hall anytime soon because look at the reward for diming these cannibals out to the police...$2,000....even though that's like 2000 5 piece chicken nugget deals at Mickey D's I think I'm gonna have to pass…I got huge ears and I can't even begin to think what these people might do to them.
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