Let's just call a spade a spade

New York (CNN) -- The daughter of former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani was arrested after police said she shoplifted items at a cosmetic store.

Caroline Giuliani, 20, was charged with one count of petty larceny after the incident at a Sephora skincare and makeup store Wednesday, the New York Police Department said.

She is the younger of Giuliani's two children with his ex-wife, Donna Hanover, a television reporter and actress.

Since his public divorce from Hanover and his marriage to Judith Nathan, Giuliani's relationship with his children has been strained, The New York Times reported in March 2007.

He missed his son's high school graduation and Caroline's plays, The Times reported.

I have a few bones to pick with this story. First, how can they call what Caroline "Shrek" Giuliani did a crime? Clearly a much bigger crime against humanity is leaving the house without a bag over her head. Sweet Caroline probably goes through makeup faster than the Blue man Group, so who could blame her for taking the five finger discount every once in a while. In fact, if I was Sephora, I would be giving her anything she wanted free of charge as long as she promised never to hang out in my store. Remember, its tough to sell twelve year old girls on the fact that your makeup will make them beautiful when the Horse Whisperer is walking around your store trying on lipstick.

Which brings me to my second, albeit unrelated, point. Are we really going to blame poor Rudi for this one. So he missed a few plays, I guess I wasn't aware that this correlated with driving your kids toward petty larceny. I can only imagine what Charlie Manson or Ted Kaczinsky must be saying about their fathers. Bet their dads must have missed them win a three-legged race or something and then just threw them completely off the rails.

More importantly, I thought there was a rule that Dad's have a free pass to miss any and all plays, recitals, concerts, and anything else that would have me snoring faster than a Thanksgiving food coma. This excuse is called Golf and its authority should never be questioned. Oh yeah, I didn't even mention the fact that Rudi was simultaneously trying to rebuild New York after the biggest attack since Pearl Harbor and running for President, guy is a real slacker. So anyway, let's just call a spade a spade.. or more fitting for Caroline, lets just call an ogre an ogre. She stole, she got caught, she's not easy on the eyes... case closed.

Kazaam!

In an effort to rejuvenate the franchise with some younger talent, Doc Rivers has brought in a 7' 3" powerhouse from LSU. At the tender age of 38, Shaq will bring the energy, passion, and youth that the team needs. Rivers was quoted as saying, " I love the video game Shaq-Fu, the movie Kazaam, and the song Phil is my father, (cuz my biological didn't bother)... He [Shaq] clearly gets what the young viewers want, and I think that his fresh legs and phenomenal free throw shooting abilities will push us over our last season's precipice."

SHAQ DIESEL... MAKE EM SHAKE, MAKE EM SHIVER

Is America Serious?

NEW YORK -- Tiger Woods has dropped into a tie with Kobe Bryant as the favorite American sports star.

Woods had held the position alone since 2006, but the Los Angeles Lakers guard moved up from fourth last year to grab a share of the top spot, Harris Interactive said Tuesday.

LeBron James dropped from third to sixth in the company's survey of 2,227 adults conducted online June 14-21, before he left Cleveland to sign with Miami. Retired NBA star Michael Jordan fell from second to seventh.

Yankees captain Derek Jeter moved up one spot to third and quarterback Brett Favre went from ninth to fourth. Indianapolis quarterback Peyton Manning was fifth, up from seventh.

New England quarterback Tom Brady, who failed to make the top 10 last year, was at No. 8, followed by New Orleans quarterback Drew Brees and NASCAR's Dale Earnhardt Jr.

So if you're scoring at home the rankings for Favorite American Sports Star go:

1. Tiger (Serial adulterer)
1. Kobe (Rapist)
3. Jeter (little high but belongs on the list)
4. Favre (The all-time interceptions leader, who is only still relevant because he makes Chris Berman and the rest of the media giddier than a 12-year-old at a Twilight premier)
5. Manning (belongs on the list, right below Brady)
6. Lebron (Murdered pro basketball in his home state)
7. Jordan (7th??? Really?)
8. Brady (I can maybe understand having Brady below manning... only because of the injury, but how on earth is he below Favre. This would be like choosing a peanut butter sandwich on stale white bread when you have a warm steak and cheese sitting on the table next to it... just unexplainable)
9. Brees (Ditto)
10. Dale Jr. (I still can't believe there are people that consider Nascar a sport, but I guess its the same people who consider dinner with your sister a hot date...)

What I would really like to know is who the hell Harris Interactive gets to do their polls. I'm pretty sure I could ask every guy I know to name their top 10, and they would have come up with a better list than this. Also, got to love the fact that the NHL got no love. I mean it doesn't surprise me that Nascar gets more love than soccer in the U.S., but you would think Crosby or Ovechkin could beat out a guy whose sport is what the rest of us do to get to work. Tough times

Rate which is a more unlikely sight in Boston:

Seeing a group of foreign chicks walking around Boston on a hot sunny day, not only dressed like cats (tails and all) but also carrying umbrellas.




Or......



Seeing 3 guys riding a jet ski at same time 60 miles north of P-Town.




Although the felines are pretty weird, I think you have to discount how unlikely this is because foreign people are always doing weird crap. I mean not wearing deoderant is pretty acceptable all over Europe, eating dog is not uncommon in some places in S.E. Asia, and mullets and wrestling shoes are in style in a number of places outside the U.S. so who am I to raise an eyebrow at a few chicks dressed up like cats. I think it would have been far more unlikely if these chicks were smokeshows. I'm always seeing movies where the ridiculously hot forieng exchange students head to America, but I'm guessing these babes are not going to make the GTA cut on Barstool. Just your average ugly, foreign, weirdos.

With that in mind, I think the vote has got to be for the Boston Three Party. Thank god the guy on the front is wearing a life jacket because the middle guy looks pretty excited to be the meat in that manwich. No telling when a misplaced thrust could send someone tumbling into the ocean. Could someone also get me the brand name of that jet ski, because any crotch rocket that can tow that kind of anchor must have more balls than the celtics locker room.

What's your vote?

And The Newest Survivor: Nicaragua Contestant Is...

Jimmy Johnson... Really?

I guess Jimbo just had to move on after ExTenze dropped him as their spokesperson.

Amish Kid Caught Ridin’ Dirty

(July 21) -- Kids these days. Give them the keys to the horse and carriage, and they go wild. Levi Detweiler, a 17-year-old Amish kid from Leon, N.Y., allegedly ran a stop sign in his horse and buggy, leading authorities on a mile-long low-speed chase.

Detweiler took a sharp turn too fast and turned the buggy over, rolling it into a ditch, police said. It took the Cattaraugus County Sheriff's Office a week to investigate the incident, which ended with Levi being charged with underage possession of alcohol, reckless endangerment, over-driving an animal, failure to stop at a stop sign and failure to yield to an emergency vehicle.

First off I would like to apologize for my extended absence, I thought about writing a lot, but in the words of Aldous Snow, “I just went right on living my life.” Now that that is all squared away, on to the Amish Lindsay Lohan. My guess is that Levi was going through the typical teenage rebellion phase and decided to get a little liquored up, hitch up the wagon and take a ride through sin-town aka the real world. Everything was going smooth as home-churned butter for Levi until his best Jeff Gordon impersonation led him to blaze through a stop sign at 5 miles per hour. Now with the authorities on his tail, Levi really only had two options. Stop, and likely get beaten with a hickory stick by his old man, or take another swig of moonshine, whip his horses, and make a break for it. Easy call for an experienced buggy driver. Unfortunately for Levi, he misjudged a rather precarious 30 degree turn and tossed the carriage faster than Britney Spears on a three day coke binge.

The questions I have are about the charges against this kid.

1. how the hell did he escape a DUI? You can get a DUI for being drunk in a parked car if the keys are in it. This kid was whipping a mean 8 miles an hour with a 2 ton death carriage. How did it take a weeklong investigation to say, yep this kid evaded cops and flipped a buggy while hammered, but we're not charging him with a DUI?

2. what the hell is over-driving an animal? Is it like a little league pitch count where the horse can’t exceed 15 miles in a day?

3. Isn’t living in an Amish village worse than jail anyway?

Villa-No-Fun

I hope Shane really likes fishing, because I don't think he will be counting too much money while he is playing for the 10th place team in the Portuguese league. I'm a little shocked they even allow basketball in Portugal. I figured the country stuck to sports like soccer since it would be too dangerous to practice their renowned diving techniques on the hardwood.

Definitely makes me wonder how Shane ended up in Portugal in the first place. I mean he was no star, but you'd think he could crack a team in Italy or Spain. Is it possible that he asked for a cat during contract negotiations? I mean with Shane mumbling and a little mis-translation, I can almost picture a movie-like scene where Shane's desire for a cute little cat to rub down on is misinterpreted as a desire to rub the Owner's daughter's kitty cat?

I guess this just shows us why athletes should stay in school. Oh wait, Shane stayed in school and graduated... somebody call Dickie V and let him know that he can cut the song and dance about how staying in school prepares kids for the real world. College ain't for everyone.